FUNNY stuff

[fleetlordatvar]

This is a classic thread on many forums
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[fleetlordatvar]

Let's start with what looks to be a classic:

[fleetlordatvar]

Twerking fail! i was laughing so hard i had trouble breathing...then i read this first comment;

SeanPM posted on September 9, 2013 at 5:09 pm She looks demon possessed. That or she was trying to assume her final form and failed. Assuming Final Form Fail.

I couldn't stop from tearing up & days later I'm still break out laughing!

[fleetlordatvar]

i'm super late to grumpy cat, hilarious!!

[fleetlordatvar]

one of the best humbugs!

[fleetlordatvar]

endless funny captions.

[fleetlordatvar]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Becauseyou have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish
that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"fficeffice" />

Found an older thread & transferred some from there.

[fleetlordatvar]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two

groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group
was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2.. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won

this is good too.

[fleetlordatvar]

This is so true...

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping
wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died
in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to
live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go
back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near
his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and
pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your
first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've
never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no
big deal.'


He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!


He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid
another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back
of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You sh*t the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

[fleetlordatvar]

Too many of these at 400SH and Da.C

quite a few gems ***for the rest i am just coping & pasting.***

[fleetlordatvar]

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a
crowded United fight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of
inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, and angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, " I HAVE to be on this flight and it
has to be FIRST CLASS!"

The agent replied, " I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to
help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could
hear. "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the
gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. " May I
have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
through the terminal. " We have a passenger here at the gate WHO
DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE
IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate
17."
With the folks behind him laughing in line hysterically, the man glared

at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F--- you." Without flinching,
she smiled and said, " I'm sorry sir, but you will have to stand in line for that
too."

[fleetlordatvar]

This one is a classic!!

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in
Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our
start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another
plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

[fleetlordatvar]

BAPTISING AN IRISHMAN
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he
begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,***
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?

[fleetlordatvar]

DIVORCE :- A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit
to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "how can i help you?' the farmer said, "i
want to get one of them dayvorces,' The lawyter said "do you have any
grounds ?" the farmer said yes 40 acres the lawyer said no,no you don't
understand. Do you have a suit ? the farmer says yes i got a suit, i
wears it to church on sundays. The lawyer said"No,no do you have a case?
the farmer said no i aint got a case but i got a john deere.. The
lawyer said No, i mean do you have a grudge? the farmer said yes i got a
grudge it's where i park the john deere. The lawyer said"does your wife
beat you up or something? the farmer said no we both get up at 4.30. By
now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question, he
says is your wife a nagger? The farmer said No she's a little white
gal, but our last child was NOT white and that's why i want a
dayvorce....

[fleetlordatvar]

This one is more sad than funny...(i get the impression they vote liberal?)