The Comedy Forum

[steve k]

[img]uploads/3/fart.jpg[/img]

[ANA Mohican]

Too many of these at 400SH and Da.C

[steve k]

[img]uploads/3/flutab.jpg[/img]

[Aviation Delight]

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a
crowded United fight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of
inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, and angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He
slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, " I HAVE to be on this flight and it
has to be FIRST CLASS!"</font>

The agent replied, " I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to
help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."</font>
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could
hear. "Do you have any idea who I am?"</font>
Without hesitating, the
gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. " May I
have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
through the terminal. " We have a passenger here at the gate WHO
DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE
IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate
17."</font>
With the folks behind him laughing in line hysterically, the man glared

at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F--- you." Without flinching,
she smiled and said, " I'm sorry sir, but you will have to stand in line for that
too."</font>

[Aviation Delight]

MY HUSBAND and I had a stop-over in Toronto before continuing
to our destination on a commuter flight. It was a rainy night and we were not looking
forward to the bus ride and walk required to board the small de Havilland airplane. After
a long wait the flight attendant finally announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are
sorry for the delay. Air Canada Commuter Flight 1143 is now unloading and we are waiting
for our passengers to be run over by the bus."</font>

[Aviation Delight]

WHEN I played with a symphony orchestra, our union reached an
agreement with a major airline about which instruments we could carry on board and which
had to be shipped as luggage. A cellist was dismayed to find that his delicate, expensive
wood instrument was consigned to the rougher handling and cold temperatures of the baggage
hold. He neatly solved the problem. Cello in hand, he approached the flight attendant at
the gate and asked, "May I bring my clarinet on board?" Scanning her list, she
replied, "Clarinets are okay, have a good trip," and, smiling, waved him on.</font>

[Aviation Delight]

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

[Aviation Delight]

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly
long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able,
take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return
to the airport."

[Aviation Delight]

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in
Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our
start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German
airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another
plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

[Aviation Delight]

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to
Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on
the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff
behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that
report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our
caterers."

[Aviation Delight]

[steve k]

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<div>Subject: BAPTISING AN IRISHMAN </div></div></div>
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<div dir="ltr" align="center">BAPTISING AN IRISHMAN</font></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" align="left">An Irish man is stumbling through the woods,
totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the
preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the
smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find
Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."So the preacher grabs him and
dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you
found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found
Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for
a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found
Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found
Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the
drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he
begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The
preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"(get
ready for this.....)
</span>The drunk
staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his
breath, and says to the preacher,</span>***
"Are
you sure this is where he fell in"?
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[steve k]

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JUST A REMINDER - WORTH CIRCULATING AGAIN!!!
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Headstone
of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah
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I
wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest ? His five
rules for a happy life are at the
bottom.</span></div></div></div>
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</span>
FIVE RULES
FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:</span></div></div></div>
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1. It's
important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up,
and has a job.</span></div></div></div>
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2. It's
important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
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3. It's
important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
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4. It's
important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
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5. It's
very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could
end up dead like me.</span>
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[steve k]

[img]uploads/3/roojoke.jpg[/img]Time for another Aussie picture!!!

[steve k]

<h5 ="uiStreamMessage userWrapper" -ft="&quot;&quot;:1,&quot;tn&quot;:&quot;K&quot;">H ILLBILLY
DIVORCE :- A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit
to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "how can i help you?' the farmer said, "i
want to get one of them dayvorces,' The lawyter said "do you have any
grounds ?" the farmer said yes 40 acres the lawyer said no,no you don't
understand. Do you have a suit ? the farmer says yes i got a suit, i
wears it to church on sundays. The lawyer said"No,no do you have a case?
the farmer said no i aint got a case but i got a john deere.. The
lawyer said No, i mean do you have a grudge? the farmer said yes i got a
grudge it's where i park the john deere. The lawyer said"does your wife
beat you up or something? the farmer said no we both get up at 4.30. By
now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question, he
says is your wife a nagger? The farmer said No she's a little white
gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why i want a
dayvorce....</span></span></h5>